time and good people - d

Today I have a several things to be grateful for. I guess there shouldn't be a limit to expressing gratitude for the number of experiences we have in a day that makes us feel thankful - so I will liberally unload my thoughts.

First, I am thankful for time.

Today, time allowed me to travel to Serangoon to buy a little stick balloon for one of my closest friends, and then travel to Orchard, surprise her and have lunch, and still manage to make it back in time to SMU to finish my tutorial by 5 pm+.

Today, my mummy fetched me home so I managed to get home earlier. I could help my mummy buy tarts from Lola's cafe, and let her hand feed me pistachios and sit at the dinner table with her to eat. It's been a long time since I managed to do that ever since I entered Uni and I'm truly glad Part B is giving me ample time to spend time with my loved ones. Every night, this week, I have had enough time to curl up on the bed beside my parents and watch lame TV shows with them.

Second, I am thankful for the good people I encounter in my life, and reaffirms my hope that it's still possible to meet genuine people even at this stage of life, when I've turned into a wary cynic and try not to trust anyone so whole-heartedly.

Today's first good encounter was E, a law classmate of mine whom I haven't had the opportunity to get to know (to be honest, that applies to most of my law cohort). I had been wandering the levels of my uni library for about ten minutes searching for a seat in vain. When I was on the verge of giving up, I spotted E at a corner and there was a lone, unassuming seat beside him. He noticed me and I went over and he shifted his stuff aside to let me sit. Then we proceeded to study in silence. He was nice enough to offer me sweets and then later on engage in a rigorous discussion about our tutorial. I felt a surge of gratitude toward him for accommodating me while I had been loitering the library alone, and then making me feel more welcome by chatting to me. Being alone is another rather irrational fear of mine - I feel displaced and tipped off balance when I have to kill a few hours alone (with the exception of shopping). But I am thankful I force myself to tackle these bouts of solitude, because after each episode, even though I may not enjoy the process substantially, I feel like I'm a tiny bit stronger, a bit more full, a bit more opaque than the previous version of myself.

Subsequent good encounters were classmates at my part B tutorial who were friendly and warm enough to want to help me solve my wifi problem (couldn't connect to the fjc wifi) - somehow, there are just some individuals you feel like are reliable, and are genuine, and whom you can trust. and I'm glad that today I discovered that it's not true my field of work is devoid of such people.

firsts - d

my first jab at a little project embarked upon by my best friend and I.

Today I am thankful for the rigorous training that SMU put me through, with regard to speaking in front of an audience. I have never managed to completely overcome my somewhat irrational fear of speaking in public. Even today, when I managed to voice my concerns and questions three times during the tutorial (which is quite a feat for me, compared to normal seminars in SMU), I experienced the usual tightening sensation that would wrap its fingers around my throat and my chest. My heart will race and my mouth becomes more dry as I wait for an appropriate moment to speak. Anxiety about how I am going to interrupt the discussion, project my voice and speak fluently never fails to creep into my brain.

However, I am thankful because I am able to speak much more eloquently than I used to be able to, in secondary school. I am able to manage my nerves much better. I do not become flustered or panicked, and I am able to successfully put on a front that I am confident, self-assured, and (hopefully) sufficiently assertive. I know I am proud and thankful of what I have achieved and learnt, especially when I look derisively back upon that frail shadow of myself in Secondary 4, attempting to take on the role of the Vice President but always failing to speak up or voice my thoughts in a calm and composed manner. I was always stumbling over my words and not daring to make eye contact because I was afraid of the thoughts that were running through my members' brains while they were forced to listen to their visibly ruffled leader.

I know I am better now, because I look back upon that retired husk of myself, and feel extremely glad and thankful I am where I am today. I am not perfect, and I am not the best speaker, and there is a lot more about confidence that I can afford to learn. But I think I have come a long way, and I am very thankful for that. For the competitions, the frequent presentations and spots of class participation I was forced to go through.

And this motivates me to keep trying to overcome that fear, to speak up even when I am afraid, so that one day, my anxiety will whittle down to a dull throb that will no longer be at the forefront of my mind, and words will flow smoothly from my lips, words that will hopefully move those who are listening.