firsts - d

my first jab at a little project embarked upon by my best friend and I.

Today I am thankful for the rigorous training that SMU put me through, with regard to speaking in front of an audience. I have never managed to completely overcome my somewhat irrational fear of speaking in public. Even today, when I managed to voice my concerns and questions three times during the tutorial (which is quite a feat for me, compared to normal seminars in SMU), I experienced the usual tightening sensation that would wrap its fingers around my throat and my chest. My heart will race and my mouth becomes more dry as I wait for an appropriate moment to speak. Anxiety about how I am going to interrupt the discussion, project my voice and speak fluently never fails to creep into my brain.

However, I am thankful because I am able to speak much more eloquently than I used to be able to, in secondary school. I am able to manage my nerves much better. I do not become flustered or panicked, and I am able to successfully put on a front that I am confident, self-assured, and (hopefully) sufficiently assertive. I know I am proud and thankful of what I have achieved and learnt, especially when I look derisively back upon that frail shadow of myself in Secondary 4, attempting to take on the role of the Vice President but always failing to speak up or voice my thoughts in a calm and composed manner. I was always stumbling over my words and not daring to make eye contact because I was afraid of the thoughts that were running through my members' brains while they were forced to listen to their visibly ruffled leader.

I know I am better now, because I look back upon that retired husk of myself, and feel extremely glad and thankful I am where I am today. I am not perfect, and I am not the best speaker, and there is a lot more about confidence that I can afford to learn. But I think I have come a long way, and I am very thankful for that. For the competitions, the frequent presentations and spots of class participation I was forced to go through.

And this motivates me to keep trying to overcome that fear, to speak up even when I am afraid, so that one day, my anxiety will whittle down to a dull throb that will no longer be at the forefront of my mind, and words will flow smoothly from my lips, words that will hopefully move those who are listening.